Ode to the assholes

How does one deal with all this shit?  I don't know, I really dont.  I have talked to so many girls, women, lesbians, and some very questionable females to try and find an answer.....everyone has a different slant.
I personally haven't had any bad luck on these dating websites.  I have, however, been shocked by the behaviour of some of the dates.  Why do you say you're looking for a long term relationship?  When you really just want a blow job?  Maybe its a long term blow job?  thats what you should say then.  Dont you guys realize that most of us chicks believe what you write. We never give up hope, even when you show up talking about how attracted you are to blondes, when here we are...brunette!! WTF?  how dare you!  I say how dare you, because you, my friend aren't even good looking, or nice. 

I really wish you guys would get it...You're 58 years old...you're alone...you're on a dating site, for Christs sake.  What are you waiting for?  You have something good...pretty...intelligent...moral...

Could that be the mistake we make?  Are you not looking for that???  That should be ok, then...just let us know!!!  Communicate!
I know when you don't call...you're just not into me...I got that!  Why are you still looking at my photos then?  get lost! I believe you should not have your cake and eat it!  I think you need to go away...far away...and find the girl of your dreams, or nightmares!  Leave us alone.  We are sad about this.  Its not cool to keep fucking with us, especially when we liked you.  There was a possibility...we were willing to wait and find out. 
So, please, girls.....I ask you to stop wasting your time and dreams on the assholes.  If you go out and he doesn't call you...bye!  He's just not into you...and don't call him...Look at it as dodging a really bad bullet.  Its never gonna be good.  Don't try to breath life into it.  Let it go.  Keep your dignity, and save it for the ONE...He is out there, I know he is.  And honey, You DESERVE it!!

I cannot get over the hair...but wait, theres more...Remember when Frank Sinatra was on his way out....the toupee..omg..Richards hair was that toupee.  Shaved sides up to his frigin eyes. real short bangs. OMG..I don't know what the hell was happening.  The room was spinning.  Was like he put a damn bowl on his head and just buzzed.  So, I'm just besides myself.  But I really, really want to like Richard.  He was so smart, so nice(Hmph) I thought, so sexy(LOL), I thought.  What a dope I am.
So, the hair has really messed me up.  I try so hard to ignore, as we begin to order shrimp, clams, wine, calamari...nice.  He starts fooling around with the waitress with some corny ass jokes, that were so embarrasing, and busts out laughing.  What the fuck is that????? The laugh was the lady in the fun house at Playland.  A high pitched girlie outburst followed by a snort.  This cannot be right, its just so wrong on every level.
OK....I'm am going to eat every thing on this menu as revenge, and drink champagne till I drop.  I'll show him.
Now, the sunglasses come off.  Ummm, you do not have a lazy eye...No, you do not!!!! Yup, he did.  I didn't know where to look.  Which eye am I looking at ?  He puts regular glasses on now.  With a magnifying lens on the lazy eye...So, now the LAZY EYE, is magnified 5x.  Holy Shit!!!Where's the heroin???

It didn't work for Frank Sinatra either

OK, I don't know bout you, but I am a stickler for appearance. Maybe you call me shallow.  Well, maybe I am...or maybe, just maybe I expect you to show up human.  Let me embellish......
POF...Richard, graphic designer, lives in Weschester, has a graduate degree...wants to meet you. 
I'm stoked.  I answer.  Yes, lets talk!!!!
His photos are um...questionable now that I think of it.  I always am attracted to a very weathered , masculine face.  Richard had one in his pictures.  However, he did have a baseball cap on(atheltic?), and he was looking down at his blackberry in his photo...but looking good.
We talk on the phone several times, and its starting to get sexy..OOOOHHH, I like this.  HAH!  He wants to meet me Thursday for dinner.  Houstons, 5:00pm..I'm there, looking oh so sweet.  So seweet that while I'm waiting in the restaurnt, another dude is there asking me if Im Katherine.  NOOO, I'm not.  Who the hell are you?  Oh, I'm Rob, waiting for a blind date from POF...YIKES!  Starting to feel like I'm in dating hell, lol.
No, I'm not Katherine.   He starts talking, and after 4 mins. asks me to meet  him for dinner tomorrow. 
WHAT????? WHAT ABOUT KATHERINE????  "Who cares about her, i want to take you out". Ich, I am disgusted by you...go away you freak.
Well, its 5:15.  No Richard.  I'm outta there.  I ask the waitress for a table, I've been stood up.  I still have to eat.
She shows me to a table.  5 mins. later, she's walking towards me with a man, or a bull, I couldn't tell.  Didn't have my glasses on.  She says"This is Barbara" to him...OMG!!!! You're Richard?????  Hi, Babs, how the hell are ya?  and proceeds to take my hand with his hoof and kiss it.  This is unbelievable.  Its supernatural...its fucking whack!!!
He looks absolutely nothing like the pictures, and he's wearing sunglasses in a very dark restaurant.  I'm scared.  He doesn't have the hat on, and the color of his hair has shocked me into anorexia.  I can't even swallow my water.  I don't know bout you, but dyed auburn hair on a guy has got to be as bad as hillbilly teeth.

OK...Gotta get this one in tonight, cause it was too freakin funny.  I don't want to forget it.  So, I am on POF...and I get messaged by 'HATCHEYMAN 21".  Nice name.  He wants to meet me! Woo hoo.  Only God knows whats gonna show up.  But, you know me, I'm such a daredevil..I'm goin in.  I open the message and there he was in all his glory.  A Chinese man...Ho Chi Mihn.  OMG..whats this dude thinking?  I mean really.  I'm 5'6 buxom blonde white woman.  You-5' yellow man with little noodle and 2 dumplings.  Really, I mean Really!!!!
Believe me, I love Chinese food, and the Asian culture is awesome.  I just aint into gettin wok'd by some little mushroom!  Jeez Louise. 
So, you see where I'm goin with this?  Why cant we find a nice man?  Where are they?  I'm not talking about looks either.  I certainly am not.  Its more of a feeling.  Grabbing my hand when we cross the street with his manly rough hands...laughing at my cornball jokes....really looking into my eyes and actually making a connection.  Oh, and one more thing.  i LOVE a nice chest.  Hey I have one, you should too. 
I love just nestling my head on your chest and inhaling your manliness...Now thats what I'm talking about.  I just dont want no EGG ROLLS!!!!

Hi again:)
Well tonight I think I'm feeling a little mushy. Yup, mushy.  I guess i should let y'all know that I really am not the she devil man hating bitch that I sound like, lol...au contraire!  I really like, no love men.  Had one for a father, and grandfather, and uncle, and son.  They rock!  I am in awe of them.  Guess the problem is I just dont fucking get it!  I think I understand them, and then, BAM, no comprendo...at all.
Here's where my problem starts......we meet, we date, its good(isn't it)??? We are seeing each other quite frequently.   You seem so happy to be with me.  Your face lights up when you see me.  Am I feeling this or making it up?  Do I dare ask you?  NOoooooo. That might be too pushy, too needy, too fucking real for you!.  Are you with me?  Do you see where I'm coming from?  Let me embellish.

First let me tell you what I feel.  I feel warmth, protection, sex, happiness, laughter, liberation, abandon, giggles,depth.  I'm feeling this from you, sweety.  We are at that point where we both decide its time...time for all the walls to COME tumbling down, and I do mean down.  We are hungry for each other....its good, real good.  Its good twice.  OK baby, its "amazing"...you tell me.  You never felt like this.  You hold my face in your hands and look into my eyes, down into my soul, and say those words to me.  My toes are curling, I can't stop smiling...I like you.  Yes, I really do.  You like me too.  You told me so.  We lie in each others arms smiling, kissing, all tangled up in skin.  We never want to get up.  The magic word here is WE.  Not just ME...WE.  Get the picture?

You leave, I walk you to the car...we're wrapped around each other still damp with each others sex.  Bye!  Talk to ya!  See ya!  Walking back to my house, I have such a sinking feeling in my heart.  I must be soooo messed up.  Whats wrong with me?  Stop.  Call Loren, she'll figure it out.  So, here I go calling the bff.  She quells my fears, and tells me to stop.  He'll call you tomorrow, get to bed.  OK.  Tomorrow comes, so does the next day.  My heart hurts:(  OMG..are you kidding me?  This is where I loose it.  Someone explain to me what the fuck happened?  Wasn't the first date, we waited for some time, enough time.  Got to know each other, went out, met the family.....

So this, my friends is my question....mainly directed to you guys.  Whats going on? I am not the only one here feeling like this.  I have friends, lots of em, feeling the same way..Every shape, color and nationality.  So it cant be that!

chapter 3.."MR. SIX.....FLAGS"

OK..so, I get the message on POF....6 flags wants to meet you.  I ignore it, cause I'm over it this week.  I get the alert,  he left me a message.  Shit!  i always answer, cause you never know, lol.  Still hoping after all these months.
So, we text, do the phone call, cause 6 flags doesn't want to waste no time.  O, wow, this is a good sign.  HA!..Lets meet for dinner, but he has to take the train , cause, well I don't even remember why.  I pick him up at the train station, and as he walks toward the car, I'm thinking, ok, he's not too bad, but he is walking kinda fast!!! Like really, but I dont pay it no mind.
We have dinner, he's nice, clean, all his teeth, nails clean, nice manners...this is alright.  Now, I'm starting to get antsy...I want out.  My ass fell asleep we were sitting so long.  Me listening to his adventures. Yawning behind my smile, and ass still numb, starting to move into my legs.  God, please let the restaurant close.  Amen. 
We finally leave to take him back to the train.  We sit waiting, and he suddenly pulls my head into a head lock and proceeds to  nearly break my front teeth with a "kiss".  Wow!  Please 6 flags, relax!  Train whistle blows...YES!!!! gotta go...train is here.  6 flags proceeds to get out of the car, and start running for the train.  But not a normal run.  A full out sprint with arms flailing and legs all awkward and up in the air..OMG, I had to turn away...the theme song from six flags is playing in my head!!! Cause he not only looks like him, but now he's doing the six flags dance as hes running.  Wish I could play you the song, cause you really would enjoy the visual!
Wonder who's next....could it be LOVE EM AND LEAVE EM CHAZ????

next chapter

So, I sit here pondering why?  Why is it these guys who go on these websites act the way they do..Its a unanimous vote on the bad behaviour, not just a few gals opinions.  You're out on a date, after the frigin email, the bullshit!!!  "You're gorgeous," " I love your profile", nonsense.  So you think, "Wow, he must think I'm something"...No, he doesn't think that.  He wants a piece of ass.  Thats what he's thinking.  Is he thinking?  Does he care?  No, to all of the above.  Alright, I will admit there are exceptions to every rule.  We will discuss that later.  For now, its the rule of the dating sites,not the exceptions.
So, you go out, dinner, a drink, blah, blah, fucking blah.  The whole time he's talking, you're thinking....hmmm, his mouth kinda looks like the grinch, oh, but his eyes aren't crossed..thats good!  OMG, his nails are....are his nails dirty???  That watch, must be 10 years old..Jesus, when were his teeth cleaned last???
But still, we give this asshole a chance!  Why????? He is so below your standard.  If he were getting a restaurant grade he'd be an X.  Well, he's nice, and he did treat me to dinner!  OK, well, I understand that, I truly do.  Been there, done that...got the fucking tee shirt.
I actually watched a guys nose hair go in and out with every breath he took for 4 hours while he talkied about his bullshit job, that was so boring, I thought I would stab myself with the fork to end my misery.   And then, to add insult to injury...he doesn't call me the next day, or EVER , for that matter. OMG!  are you kidding me???  Here i am, showing up in a  Black Dior Silk dress, stockings, black heels, makeup by YSL, smelling like amber and roses, and you and your frigin tornado swirling nose hair doesn't call me  after the date...I CANT!!!!